Sonic 4. Wow. Just...

...WOW!

How long have we been waiting for this? A long time, that's how long. Since the amazing last battle in Sonic & Knuckles, we've been foaming at the mouth for a non-3-D Sonic game to come along and blow us away with that signature gameplay that had us kicking and swearing and trying to get that last chaos emerald.

Mostly, though, we've just been disappointed.

Shitty game after shitty game, we've been let down. Oh, I'm aware of the arguments... "SONIC ADVENTURE WAS FUN AND 2 WAS PRETTY GOOD AND YOU'RE JUST BEING A STUPID DUMMY POOPOOFACE" and so on. I don't care. I like Sonic in it's classic format. And I'm not a 3-D hater, not by any means. I think I'm one of maybe seven people on the planet who enjoyed Castlevania (64), so that whole can of worms can just be used to go fishing. No, this game can only truly be appreciated in that good old 2-D format.

Sonic 4 delivers that package...

...mostly. There are some hits and some misses, but overall, it's one hell of a ride that thoroughly gives up the goods. I recommend it to any true Sonic fan.

The Essence Of Aunt Jemima
The first thing one notices is that Sonic seems like he's running through maple syrup. It's hard to get started, and you lose momentum really fast. This would normally be a deal breaker. It's actually an important facet of the gameplay, which you'll soon come to appreciate after a few levels.

You see, in the previous games, you didn't have a lot of chances to go fast toward the endgame. Yeah, you'd have one or two loop-de-loops that would rocket you through some lines of rings, but mostly, going fast was just a good way to lose all your lives in pit after pit, spike after spike, and so on. In Sonic 4, when you go fast, you go FAST. I mean, really fast. And for the most part, it's pretty safe to do so. It's almost like Sonic Team said to themselves, "Hey, Sonic's his name, speed is his game! Why the FUCK would anyone want to go slow?"

So why this strange dichotomy? Why is it a good thing that Sonic moves slow, yet he can go really fast? Well, the game takes a lot of the problems with precision directly out of your hands. Trying to land on a platform from the stratosphere while smashing the left and right buttons to aim yourself isn't really an issue anymore. You are usually planted right where you need to be without any headache. As for the loss of momentum, it's like the game is trying to say "Hey, whoa. You might want to take it easy around the next bend. But I'll tell you what. If you can make it safely, I'll bounce you around on some loops and spirals. Is that copacetic?"

Special Education
You also get a homing jump, which is taken straight from aforementioned (and loathed) 3-D games. Is it ok? Yes, and no. After perfoming a homer, you lose your ability to attack and enter a helpless falling animation that leaves you open to just about every obstacle in your path. Timing is critical when using it. You can use it as a means to go a little faster, but it's not safe. This makes you rely a little more on reflex, which adds to the overall fun of the game. Sometimes, though, the targeting is a little wonky and you go careening off in some direction you didn't want to go careening off to.

The special stages are a sort of throwback to the first 16-bit Sonic game, except instead of using the digital-pad to maneuver Sonic, you use it to move the maze around him, sort of like Cameltry. You know, Cameltry, that Taito arcade game? Moving a marble through a maze? Never heard of it? Well, fuck you, then. In any case, these levels are difficult, and getting the chaos emerald at the end is a true feeling of accomplishment.

Cover Your Ears
And the music is simply atrocious. None of it is truly memorable, and the Super Sonic theme in particular is just grating. Five seconds over and over again of the same nonsense. I'm really disappointed by this.

Pancakes Sold Separately
In all, Sonic 4 is great. It's not partucularly long, but it is challenging. Never mind that the game is hurling extra lives at you like Tic-Tacs; you're going to have to clutch play it a few times until you get good. Leaderboards for score and time really give this game some extra life, as people will be battling it out for #1 for a while.

So get Sonic 4.

And some pancakes.