So, I was watching UFC 111, and there's ads for God Of War III all over the place. I got to thinking about everything that led up to God Of War III. Everything that comes to mind when I play God Of War and God Of War II, the two games that make God of War Collection. They bring back memories (not all of which are pleasant). I could go on and on about shit everyone has heard before from everywhere else, but then where would the soul be? What more can be said? Well, how about not what I think of the series, but what they make me think of...
With the exception of attack system changes, God Of War II was really a worthy successor to God Of War in every way. It was just as big and monumental with an emphasis on retention of what made the first game so compelling. The first game had some definite faults though, and the biggest was probably in design. Some arrogant shitbag I used to work with spit about it constantly. Every day, every hour, every minute. This pig-faced, gap-tooth reject had a gut so big he could walk outside and bring rain. The only thing worse than all the shit he talked was the fact that he had no room to talk (about anything). But talk he did, and his mouth ran like a sick bird's ass. He drove God of War into the ground, and it was sad. Just off the demo, it looked like a good game, but this guy was notorious for bad taste (and being racist), and I wasn't about to put down my hard-earned cheese for something he said was good. I knew I'd get around to it eventually, and eventually the time had come. Well, kind-of. On second thought, maybe it never really came until I saw the stunning media for God Of War II. In fact, I thought I'd only be playing the second one, but a stint with low cash flow reversed that and I had finally gotten the very game that shitbag spoiled for me. He was (and still is, from what I hear) a shitbag, but what about the first God Of War? Is it shit, too, just because a shitbag recommended it? Shitty dudes play shitty games?
Approaches
Well, that would seem
to be the case, with the idiots at Game Informer talking it up
so much that you can just see them trying to act like Kratos in everyday
life (and failing miserably). They really should have just renamed their
shit magazine something along the lines of "Kratos Informer,"
so that at least they'd have a reason to speculate and "inform"
us as to what side the hero's nuts hang. The list of pathetic magazine
and media staff goes on and on (with middle-aged men declaring Kratos
an outstanding community figure and role model), but I don't have the
time to devote a whole article to that dumb shit. I didn't even have the
time for this article, but "the show must go on." Despite these
assholes, there are a lot of dudes out there who see and play the game
for what it is. They treat like a game (as opposed to gospel). One of
which is my best friend, who didn't get into some ridiculous, inspirational
bullshit when he told me about it.
He told me about the visceral quick-time sequences, cool weapons, and crazy moves that make the blade-swinging platformer fun. Later, I came to see that it was like Devil May Cry, but without all the forced humor aimed at numbskull media staff. I can't say for certain what parts of the game James Goddard worked on, but the battle system was surprisingly well-done, and you don't have to resort to absurd DMC tactics just to keep a combo going. You can even tack the quick-time sequences on at the end of a combo as a brutal finisher, or in the middle as a linker of sorts; DMC3's combo system should have been more like this. And all of it would not have been possible without such a balanced window for combo timing. There's also added depth in the intuitive parry system, but it's often glossed-over by jabber as boring as the puzzles.
When
Opportunity Knocks
Then you got CG cutscenes that tell a tale of villainy and virtue through
the prerequisite storytelling with boobs to make dudes everywhere squeeze
out their feeble wad. Memorable parts include Kratos next to boobs, Kratos
not lending a helping hand, and Kratos in despair. Would the game have
gotten the same rave reviews and attention without them? It's no matter,
though, because the in-game cutscenes are better, anyway. So much better,
in fact, that they make the CG ones look average; now that's dedication!
This is especially noticeable in the lusty vixens who look average in
the CG, but look noticeably better (with scrumptious, big, rubbery nipples)
in-game during the log-jamming bonus stage. On a side-note, the Japanese
version was edited, and instead they were dressed in skimpy outfits that
just tease. Every time I play the game, I can't get over how odd the nature
of the edit is (considering how big the adult entertainment is in Japan).
I also think about how those two chicks ask Kratos to "come back
to bed." When I'm with chicks that have nipples like that, you don't
see me out of the bed! What the hell was he doing out of the bed? Those
monsters can wait; chicks like this can't! Get in it!
It plays as good as those nipples look, and its visuals utilize the hardware well. Much of the game looks so good that it's almost mistaken for being on stronger hardware (until snippets of blockhands remind you). There is something that plagues its visuals, though, and it's not blockhand syndrome; it's something far worse. Something so profoundly ridiculous that it mars the game's reputation of perfection. As we touched on in the 2007 Top Ten, GOW's main boss looks embarrassingly ridiculous, and portrays the mythical God of War as nothing more than sweaty biker. I've never seen one of these Greek Gods (or any God, for that matter), but chances are they don't look like your token "Easy Rider." If there is a real Aries, he's probably pissed. I was like, "sweet, there's a monster destroying stuff" when I saw it destroying Greece in the background, but my disappointment grew (when the bitch fell off). The rest of the game is fine, but they really dropped the ball with the main boss; why does he look like a dirty biker? Did they even have motorcycle gangs back then? Did they even have motorcycles? Thankfully the rest of the game was so cool, because it's not easy to make up for an embarrassing fumble like this. You could just imagine how the planning for this went:
"We gotta make a game that everyone wants to play."
"Yeah, with really cool bosses, right from the start. Except not with those monsters, we already got a stage about a snake."
"Oh shit it's the stone-staring head, with puffy nipples, saggy snake tits."
"Let's sit in my office and draw a brutal design that will never do."
"OK. We gotta make 'em big and make 'em thrash with big attacks."
"Let's make sure this boss is really fucking stupid!"
"Toughguys are usually pretty tall and I think leather is kinda cool, so for this boss I'm gonna start with the jacket."
"Long hair, long beard, big gut and tall as fuck this boss is sick, but we're missing one thing!"
"Oh yeah? What is that?"
"We got to make his beard flowing, really crazy, and shitty, and flaming a lot!"
"I've got a really original idea of how I think we can make this boss."
"Make this boss!"
"End this game...with a fucking biker!"
So, what is with the flaming beard? Is that some sort of biker trick we don't know about? What, is it failed attempt at trying to spit fire? As if making the end boss a biker wasn't already bad enough! And Aries isn't the only one who looks like a biker; Undead Legionnaires do, too! Writing about this shit made me think of that scene from that movie, A Bronx Tale. You know, the part where those bikers go into that bar acting like assholes and get they asses kicked by the Italian Mafia? That was cool. Why? Not because I like seeing people get beaten senseless. Because the Mafia dudes were decent to them and gave them a chance, but those fucking dirtbags pissed it away and got the beatdown for it. And right fully so, after the stupid shit they did. Besides, Mafia dudes are cooler than bikers, and when Kratos destroys the titanic boss and his biker minions, it makes me think of A Bronx Tale. Like they say, "you gotta give some to get some," so what better way to prepare for the game than with a serving of biker stew? Throw some soggy, sick dog food in a pan, empty a beer out on it, fire it up, eat that shit down, and enjoy you some God 'O War! Hopefully the more I play it, the less it will remind me of the piece of shit who first told me about it...
- BAD