Do your nuts ever itch, and you just cant help but think... WHY?!?... me either. I was just seeing what your response was...

*shifty eyes*

So lets try and break this down like food to terd... we'll start in the mouth...

...lets begin shall we?

Difficult Made Easy
Well...where do I even begin?!? I remember as a kid, I was simply fascinated by playing a game where I could chuck a lance at zombies in nothing but a dirty "BAD"-style beard and in tiny little white boxers with red hearts (that I still want a pair of). For some reason, the gameplay came completely natural to me. Nothing is more simple than jumping up, throwing shit at monsters, and landing on money bags. Not to mention, all my mistakes were rewarded with random treasures that emerge from the depths below. I still remember one of the best moments of my video game memory...

On the very first stage (the graveyard), came the most amazing blessing. When you double jump over to the tree to the left of where you began, a treasure arises from the ground. Always random, but for some reason I am always rewarded with the bow & arrows. Geeze...what more do I need to say? This is the greatest fucking weapon to ever happen to this game. Especially when you get your green armor immediately following the first treasure. The arrows become homing fireballs!!! Fuck these zombies. They just bend over and get sodomized by this magnificent weapon. Not to mention those fucking little dog things that jump at you; they dive nose first into the fire arrows. Then comes the dickhead floating coffin zombies...

...and once again, they land dick first into my homing fireballs. Even those little cock-sucking fire snake skull things are no match for this weapon. So here I am, a little boy dominating the first stage of this game. Finding little treasures here and there. Each making my armor stronger. Each making my weapon stronger. Even my shield turned blue. Haha...

...BUT...

...then comes the game's frustration of falling fucking skulls while bitch-ass zombies are appearing at a rate that makes Dead Rising seem like tip-toeing through fucking tulips. So now you have a young boy...

...frustration on the tip of his fingers...

...a cement pillar pissing skulls all over him...

...a fucking jumping shit dog...

...and a army of zombies that look as if they would smell like a bum's nutsack on a hot summer day...

...WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!? So BOOM...

...my first SNES controller smashed across the wall. Me in tears. My right leg bruised from my anger being unleashed as I punched my leg. The mother figure sliding in and saying some dumb shit like, "if it makes you mad, then why do you play it?!?" Nothing is fucking worse than that. Well, besides Godsmack.

Several months...
...and several SNES controllers later, I got good enough to pass through all the bullshit every stage has to offer; only to find out you have to GO back for some bracelet and do it ALL OVER AGAIN!!! FUCKING BITCH-ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!! That was the single most frustrating moment in my life (next to trying to keep my load in my nuts when I lost my virginity at 13). But that, boys and girls, is a whole other story of its own. Back to this love/hate relationship I have with this game; I can name one thing wrong with EVERY fucking stage. Cum to think of it, I have the time, and if you're sitting there waiting for your free trial to some piece of garbage porn site to load, clearly YOU have the time. So, I'm going to do EXACTLY that!!! (P.S. go to either freeones.com or xhamster.com. and that will tickle your sack).

Stage 1: Graveyard
As I listed previously... the fuck load of zombies, dropping skulls, shit dogs, and wizards coming out of a fucking treasure chest. BUT... that is not where the real problem lies... later, in the 2nd part of the stage... there are these little asshole tumor looking things that insist on filling up, then exploding. But for some reason, even in the pre-mature stages, they STILL hurt you. So if you jump over this little fucking skull rolley thing and touch the tumor... your hard earned armor flies off. Then you have to kick this giant shit looking gristly turkey with the basic arrows. By the way... why the fuck does this bird have a shaved ass?!?!? (not hard... just fucking annoying) thus creating the frustration of something that should have never existed. P.s. when the fuck did cemeterys start getting tumors?!?

Stage 2: Ghost Ship
This fucking first half of the stage is 100% bullshit. Fucking ghosts with fucking stupid looks on their faces appearing from EVERYWHERE in EVERY FUCKING DIRECTION. Luckily, the homing fireballs take quick care of these assholes...

...until the fireball decides to just fucking sit there doing circles around a ghost while you are rendered helpless as the other ghosts fly in to jerk you off and rape you. All the while...

...you got some fucking axe swinging from a rope trying to circumcise your little Arthur dick. By the way, did I mention that this fucking knight who is battling against every shit-stained spawn from the deepest depths of hell cannot swim?!? So much in fact, that he fucking turns into a pile of bones if he makes contact with water!!! Sounds like another "TAPOUT/Ed Hardy" tool to me.

Stage 3: Foundry Fire
This whole stage is pretty simple UNTIL you get to the pillars on the second part of the second half of the stage. MOTHER, FUCKER. These little fucking pigmy fucks drop from above and always seem to fucking land on you. I guess it makes up for the biggest failure of a boss that follows.

Stage 4: Stomach (?)
If you have ever played this game, you all know the part where the stage rotates and renders you helpless while some idiot blue wannabe Arnold with an axe flies in from angles you cannot shoot at. Not to mention his little idiot buddies have evolved, turned green, and shoot at you. Did I forget to tell you that there are like, five of these things on one part of the stage, shooting shit at you from ALL angles? Castle Shikigami?!? Fuck. And of course, inevitably following this shit is a fucking roller coaster ride that makes me throw up, ENDING with you entering a sphincter, only to fight this slow motion bitch-made hydra. Luckily, the game can't process everything quickly; so as long as you keep throwing arrows, it won't process the monster trying to shoot fireballs at you. Thus, EASY WIN!!!!

Stage 5: Winter Wonderland
The only REAL problem I have with this stage is the stupid jumping-up-a-giant-frozen-tree-while-a-plant-shoots-little-spiked-plant-balls-at-you shit. It's irritating taking the time to kill these useless creatures. The rest of the stage is bitch-made.

Stage 6: Castle (1)
If you don't have the bow, you might as well just go to the bathroom, take a razor blade to your vas-deferens, and bleed out in your daughter's potty-training toilet. Because you will have one of the HARDEST times trying to kill the three "Red Arremer Aces." HAHAHAHA, God bless shit localization.

Stage 7: Castle (2)
Well, this is the stage where they bring back the infamous ghosts from Stage 2 for round 2. *sigh* I can't even begin to explain how much these fucking enemies are fucking complete garbage. (Fancy version pronounced: "GaRRB-AGGE," kinda like garbanzo mixed with garage) This is also where you get the hot, steamy pile-of-shit news that you just beat the fucking game for fucking nothing. And when you do get to this stage again, you HAVE to beat the boss with a fucking garbage bracelet weapon that has NO fucking range. SO, you're up close and personal with this boss who shoots fire out of his cock and mega blasts this super laser out of his mouth (with the magnitude of a fucking M. Bison Super Psycho Crusher). Well, anyways....

...when you finally get there...

Stage 8: Throne Room
WHAT FUCKING BOSS SHOOTS LAZERS AND ELEVATORS OUT OF HIS COCK?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!??! Not to mention, this prick has a fucking stupid fucking name like Sardius. Pussy.

That is just me TAPPING into the fucking garbage of the game. Besides all that, the game is fantastic. The replay value is amazingly high. It doesn't really ever get old because your luck is never the same. Sometimes you make the wrong kind of mistake and you land on a zombie or a swinging axe. Plus, if you're up to the challenge and beat the game on normal mode, you can always try and beat it on PROFESSIONAL mode. (Never tried it.) Haha.

So, during the credits it shows Arthur riding away with the princess on this gay pony, traveling across a nice plain, with some mountains in the distance. THEN...

...the endless screen. I got to this screen and I tried pressing Start...

...nothing...

...I tried pressing Select...

...nothing. I tried pressing Y, X, A, B, L, R, up, down, left, and right...

...NOTHING!!! So I said fuck it and reset the game...

...and BOOM, the screen was still there. I unplugged my SNES and BOOM...

...the fucking screen was still there. I shut off the television and turned it back on and BOOM, it was still there. At this point, I was willing to try anything, so I decided to try a Konami code (on a Capcom game). I entered, U, U, D, D, L, R, L, R, A, B, SELECT, START...

...all I fucking got were 99 lives and an itch in my nuts, but nope, the screen was still there. I got mad and decided to go upstairs and grab my PS2 and play Maximo. But, when I turned the PS2 on, the screen from Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts was on there!! "Fuck this," I said, and turned on my Xbox 360 to play some Call of Duty: Black Ops. Well, no big surprise there; it was the same fucking Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts screen!!! It wasn't even in HD or anything; still all pixilated. They could at least humor me by showing me this princess the ending describes with sizes of B88, W58, and H90 NUDE!!! Instead, I have to watch this 16th-century version of BAD holding this woman who apparently shares the same sizes as miss Chun Li (personally, I would rather see Headquarters holding her). It would be like Chris Redfield holding Jill Valentine. Especially since I am convinced that Headquarters IS, in fact, a real life incarnation of Chris Redfield. Something magical?!? Oh well, at this point, I was afraid. So, I decided to try a code from 1993 version of Aliens vs Predator: X,A,Y,Y,A,Y,X...

...all I got was a ham sandwich and an exorcism. So much for, "The End...?" All it seems to be is the end of my life with electronic entertainment. I'm writing this on a piece of toilet paper in a public restroom while I take a nice shit. Yumm!

"The End...?"

P.S. "Here's A Key (For Cumming In The Puss)."